sinus, vitamin war and heart attack

my blogging has always been about memory keeping.  for myself, for my family.  kind of a scrap book.  all things i want to remember.

today i blog from my bed.  i've been fighting what i believe is a sinus infection that started last week when the weather here in MO went wonky dropping from 60 degrees to 30 within a few hours.  i felt that drop and it hit me like a bag of bricks. 

i've taken the morning off, allowing myself to rest which i haven't done much of these past few nights.  i'm not a good mouth breathing sleeper.  it just doesn't work for me.  poor Art, sleeping with me hasn't been easy on him. 

i didn't wake up thinking i would take the morning off.  it just happened.  it was one of those mornings i wished my kids rode a school bus.  after much grumbling on the girls part and mine, we made it to the car and on our way to school.  i said a pray as we drove that no other adult would see me or approach my car only because i am looking rough.  sandpaper on concrete rough. 

every morning i give my girls two vitamins.  it's juice plus and through the winter i don't back down on them taking these.  i'm a believer they help and with the nastiness going on in the schools this year, i'm on it.  well one of my kids takes these gummy vitamins with ease.  sarah resists every. single. morning.  and it never fails she is still sitting at the kitchen bar, nibbling on her vitamins at seven o'clock which is when she needs to be upstairs dressing, getting ready.  every morning she saves her veggie vitamin for the car.  so we have the joy of fighting to get it down, on the car ride.  this morning was no different.  she's been late getting to class because she hasn't had it eaten in time.  (yes! i am that mom).  do you see this face.... this is the face i see each morning as she nibbles.  isn't it just precious :).

man i love her.  i love her so much i make her take a vitamin.  best. mom. ever. if you ask her (ha!). she got it down and headed to grab her things and told me she loved me.  sweet words since we had just had a vitamin war.  *vitamin back story... i've started having her sit in the front seat in the mornings to eat these, so i can watch her.  she's sneaky i tell ya.  Grace and i were cleaning out the car and guess what we found under hear seat?  16 uneaten vitamins.  caught!*  little stinker.

driving home i felt the need to blog.  i get it in my head, i even think through what i would write.  fast forward and here i am at home and i've unmade my bed that Art lovingly made, the dog is at my feet keeping them warm (i hope Art isn't reading this).  my warm chai tea is by my side, sweat pants are on, big, bulky, warm Cardinals sweatshirt is my choice of clothing. i took my vitamins and the little red pill that helps stop the constant dripping of my nose, i have flonased.  i'm ready to rest. 

but i blog because i feel drawn to.

*heart attack back story....  so my dad had a heart attack on december 19th of last year.  i got the call from my sister at 3 a.m. that he had been taken to the emergency room.  i was packed and on the road by 4.  looking back now it was all a blur, but then it seemed to last forever.  dad was in the hospital for 5 days and if it weren't for him being in good physical shape beforehand, it would have been a longer stay.  tests were done, pointing them to a triple bypass.  i don't think any of us (siblings) knew exactly what was involved until talking to the surgeon.  when the doctor told us about the procedure and the point when they would cool down my dad's body and stop his heart.... 

what?... what did you say?..can you repeat that?... stop his heart?!?  is this really happening? 

stopping.his.heart. ya'll.  it took awhile to process it.  so many emotions, questions, thoughts went flooding into our brains and conversations.  the surgeon was super positive but come on, stopping the heart.  this is huge!

four very long hours after the surgery began we got to see him. there are no words to describe it.  they warmed us to what he would look like but as his kids, we all fell apart and were in shock. there were so many tubes coming in and out of him, there was blood, he was pale, hooked up to machine that kept him breathing, monitors everywhere, lights, sounds everywhere.  it truly felt chaotic but we knew it was needed.  

he woke up slowly.  we communicated with him and he wanted to talk but he couldn't with the air tube.  he seemed agitated so we kept telling him to rest, all was okay, mom was okay and he was going to be fine.  he nodded, i cried, blubbered.  it was him responding which in his state was just what we all needed.  it was relief.  i still get teary eyed just thinking about it.  

he had some rough nights in ICU coming off the anesthesia.  he was determined to get out of there and amazed them with his walking and strength the next day.  none of this surprised his kids though.  he wanted to get back home to mom.  Christmas eve came, dad had been doing really well, completing all the tasks they had asked of him.  the surgeon had talked of sending him home and that was our plan as well.  hospital time is not on our time.  it's slow and insane.  we waited all day for the surgeon to come.  we weren't patient.  we were frustrated, tired and ready already!  we found out later that afternoon that the surgeon had been called in for emergency surgery.  we understand but darn....  when the surgeon did show up at 5:00 i was ready to hug and kiss the man.  i withheld and prayed, waiting to hear the word "discharge".  two hours later, our wish came true and we were in the car.  again, it was a moment of relief but also of pure joy.  it was christmas eve and dad was going  home.  he would have Christmas at home.  God is good.  

we arrived to a house full of family, i think we overwhelmed him.  when we got him through the front door my mom had tears.  through her confusion she knew he was there and she expressed joy.  dad went straight to her, hugged her, kissed her head.  it felt like light filled the room.  it was one of those moments i will never forget.  true love right there.  joy right there.  prayers answered right there.  God working in our lives, right there.  oh Jesus, thank you.  thank you for this moment right there.  Dad was home.

so i need to stop there and move on because crying does not help one with an already stuffy head and nose.  the story continues, but it will be another post.

now i rest.  my story is partially told and documented. i can rest.

oh and my prayers were answered.... got in and out of the school parking lot without being seen.  SCORE!

dementia

Dementia is hell.

I've stared at that statement for 15 minutes now.  How do you elaborate on that?  It says it all.

2010 my parents came to us, at Christmas and told us that my mom had dementia.  At the time it didn't really set in with me.  Mom was mom, I hadn't seen the changes that dad had witnessed.  

My Papaw Perry had dementia but back then it didn't have a name.  I remember they would just say he was sick and old.  I watched his life deteriorate.  He was active being a dairy farmer.  I remember going to feed the cows with him, I loved being by his side as he called them.  They came straight to him.  How cool for a  young girl to have a Grandpa who had cows as pets and lots of them.  I remember my mom and her siblings helping Grandma as he became more ill.  They sold the farm and moved in with my uncle who lived right next door to us.  I would visit, watching him to give Grandma a break. I used to sing to him and he would react positively.  He knew we were there, through the confusion, he knew through our singing that we were there.  He had numerous strokes, was bedridden and unresponsive towards the end.  I was crushed when he died. 

2017 and I'm watching my mom decline as well.  It is all to familiar.  We've been through different stages, everyday is different, we never know what to expect.  With my dad's heart issues we've had to step in and begin helping with mom.  It's been eye opening.  My dad was doing so much, it's no wonder he had a heart attack.  He promised my mom from the diagnosis that he would take care of her and he has.  He's my hero.  But now the hero needs help.  

I've had moments of deep guilt.  After being here, seeing the needs now I question myself on why I wasn't more involved. Why didn't I step in earlier?   I think it was just easier for me to let him handle it, not face the truth.  When I did come to visit and then head home it would hit me.  I would end up in tears, praying, begging God to help me understand how this was part of his plan for my parents. 

I still have those conversations with Him.  I question why she is still suffering.  Every once in awhile I see glimpses of mom.  She'll look at me with those beautiful blue eyes, smile, pat me on the back - it's surreal and emotional.  In those moments I'm glad she is still with us.  Again, surreal and emotional.  

No one can ever prepare you when a loved one has dementia.  There's no rhyme or reason to it all.  Cancer - you have a plan of attack.  This is a guessing game.  We loose more and more of her each day.  She will look at me not able to convey her thoughts but those blue eyes are fighting to try. It's heartbreaking.  

Her care is more involved than dad's at this point.   It's challenging.  It's emotional.  But there is JOY.  Dad's motto through all of this is to choose Joy.  To find JOY in the hard moments.  I'll be honest, it's been really hard.  But He promises to hear us, to comfort us, to make His will known.  So we pray and lean on Him.  We're taking it day by day, hour by hour - seeking Him, seeking JOY.  

my day in a nutshell

If I had to compare my day to a nut, I would have to say it was shaped like a walnut with ups and downs, curves and bumps.  Are you getting where I'm going with this?

I've spent the day at my mom and dad's, caring for them.  It's a long back story, one I will have to tell later in another post.   

It began at the normal time, 6 a.m. (it's funny how your body naturally sets itself an alarm even when you are able to sleep in). I tried to go back to sleep but my mind started wandering about things at home, the snow we had just received in Missouri, praying Art and the girls made it safely to school and work, praying as they woke up and got ready.  My dad was already awake and watching Fox News.  When I'm here I watch Fox News and the Hallmark Channel, that's just how it is.  So of course I was getting the latest up to date, fair and honest information.  The next hour and half went by quickly and before I knew it, it was time to get up.  

As it is most mornings here I got up, cleaned up my bedding and headed to the back bedroom to change clothes.  No shower for me since I had taken one the night before.  My comfy sweats were on, a bun in my hair, I was ready for the day.  I checked on my mom, her eyes were open even though she laid flat and still in bed.  I greeted her as I do every time I see her these days - "Hi Momma! I've missed you."  She smiled and started chattering some.  I sat at the end of the bed and patted her, listening to her chatter.  I uncovered her and helped her out of bed.  This morning she was steady on her feet and ready to go.  We worked together to get her dressed and in her chair at the breakfast table.  My dad had already made himself some eggs and toast which sounded good, so we did the same.  Mom ate well and was happy, smiling as I fed her.  So far, a great start.

Well in the rush to help mom get changed and move her along I had locked the keys for the bathroom, in the bathroom.  Yes, I had locked everyone out of the bathroom.  Ugghhh Nyla!  

I ran around the house, mom following me, praying I would find a spare key.  I texted my brother and sister, asking them if there was such a key.  There was, with one of them and my niece who were both two hours away.  Panic started to set in.  What was I going to do?!?  I went to dad telling him my dumb move.  He told me where to possibly find another key.  I looked, no luck.  Just as I was looking my brother texts me a youtube video on picking a lock.  How hard could it be right?  I found two paper clips just like the guy suggested and started working on the lock all the while mom paced around me, chattering, smiling.  It's like she knew I needed her sweet, light-hearted spirit in that moment of aggravation with myself.  I took a break from my frustration and sat down next to my dad who proceeded to tell me that he wished he could push me through a glass window.  What? Huh?  I knew I had messed up but golly, that seemed harsh.  Then he went on and I began to understand his idea....

The window to the bathroom could possibly be open.  

Did I mention it had been snowing all night?  We got two to three inches here and it is bitterly cold.  

So I headed to the back bedroom and grabbed my boots, coat, scarf and gloves ready to charge into the snow to check the window.  I turned around and there's my dad, in his coat, scarf and gloves ready to help.  Now if you knew my other back story, you would know this was not a good idea.  But I'll save that for later as well.  

I did let him go outside with me.  Other than the sound of snow falling (which I love that sound), it was quiet outside.  Everything was white and beautiful, almost dreamy.  I went to the shop and grabbed a flat head screwdriver and the ladder.  We headed to the window where dad proceeded to instruct me on how to remove the screen with that screwdriver.  I was able to get it off.  As I stood there, pausing, I prayed that window would be unlocked.  Please God let it open!  And... it did!!!  I sent dad in to check on mom while I climbed that ladder and went through feet first.  I grabbed the keys and opened the door with a huge sigh of relief.  Dad was there, waiting.  

I sent a text to my siblings and a picture of the keys.  They in turn sent texts, teasing me wishing dad had taken a picture of my key rescue.  

All was well again.  Or at least I thought.  

After lunch dad and I decided to tackle his office, get him caught up on bills and overall doing some organizing.  I jumped in, you know how I love to organize.  Dad asked me to go grab his check book from where he hides it.  I went but I couldn't find it.  I went back to dad asking when was the last time he saw it.  We checked all the places it would logically be but no luck.  I started to panic a little, I think he did too.  What had happened to it?  I tore through closets, messed up what I had organized, talked to my siblings and it all lead me back to his original hiding place.  This time I took a flashlight to see if it had fallen.  I found it in a spot that I had totally overlooked.  If it had been a snake....

Ugghh Nyla!  You did it again, caused stress for everyone in the house!

Check book and keys in hand I proceeded on with the day even though I should have thrown in the towel.  

The nurse showed up.  Calls came in like crazy, setting up appointments all while I was still organizing things for dad.  Dinner needed to be made, people to feed.  

I bring dad his nightly meds and we both realized we totally forgot to put on his compression socks for the day.  Ugghh Nyla!  My thoughts... "Nyla you are not fit to care for your parents today. Go home, give up, call it a day!"

But I didn't.

Dinner was made.  Meds were given.  Mom was tucked in, dad too and I got to take a long shower and wash away all my Uggghhh Nyla! errors for the day.  

My parents made caring for my siblings and me look so easy.  They never locked themselves out of the bathroom I'm sure!  

Man I love these two.  They love me, I know it.  What a privilege it is to be their daughter.  How great that they've always seen past my Ugghhhs.  I'm so lucky.

my 45th in pictures

i am 45

it came and went without too much hoopla

and I'm okay with that

i slept in for an extra 23 minutes

okay, actually i overslept but I choose to see the glass half full

ahhhh the rush

worked out with this sweet lady

had to get a selfie, of course!

we are beautiful, no make up, sweaty - yes beautiful, you might say glistening :)

this song makes me dance every time

even in the car

ask my girls

i dance

in the car

heck i dance to this entire album

kudos to me for getting my groove on, in the car

this guy loves selfies

not!

{sigh} - that's the sound he makes when I pull out my camera

he loves me

he was excited it was my birthday

my lunch.

turkey, mayo, cucumber, s/p

simple

yummy

afternoon

laundry (not shown, didn't' want to bore you)

dusting (again, boring)

evening

tattooed dog for dinner (not shown, but yum-o!)

new movie theater in town

can you say spoiled?

these reclining seats rocked

never will i want to go back to the old seats

never!

love these two

the movie was Peanuts

loved it

they were true to charles schulz and the characters

my brother was in town

woot woot! Uncle Kendall lounged with us

it was nice

45 is starting off great

my thoughts on 2014 & 2015 refreshment

The book has been closed on 2014.

This year was hard for me and my family.

Personally, emotionally and financially.

I have much to be thankful for and many blessings from 2014 but I must admit, I am not sorry to see it go.

There are parts that I would rather forget about.

There is hurt and pain that I need to let go of and move on.

I need to find forgiveness.

I continue to pray and strive for this.

Today is a new year.

Feels strange that in the span of 24 hours we can have a new beginning.

New possibilities.

New experiences.

New blessings.

New changes.

(Why does it take a new year to push us for change?)

Resolutions.

I don't really believe in them.

It just seems that most times they cannot be lived up to.

I believe that God gives us moments of refreshment throughout the year, various times, special moments we share with those we love.

I had such a moment while sitting amongst my siblings, their spouses and children recently.

Family time is good for the soul.

It refreshed me.

Renewed me.

(big sigh of relief)

My family has suffered this year.

In different ways both within my immediate family and extended.

We are healthy, praise God.

We all have food, clothes, a home to shelter us.

We all believe in the Savior who came to save.

We love each other.

(what more could we ask for?)

Well....

Personally, I need to prioritize these relationships.

With my family.

With friends.

I need to pray for these relationships.

My marriage.

My kids.

My siblings.

My parents.

Their marriages.

My nieces and nephews.

My in-laws.

My friends.

I need to renew my relationship with Christ daily because with him I can do all things.

Without him... I don't even like to think about it.

So if this new year in 2015 brings you a renewal, a zeal for life, a purpose, a reason to move than congrats!  I pray you find your refreshment and dive deep into it.

My refreshment spurs me to work on one thing - 

"Relationships"

Happy New Year to you!  

Happy New Beginnings all year long!

momma kathleen's ultimate

I may have shared this in the past.
Can't find it if I have but this is my mom's recipe for chocolate chip cookies.
They are the ultimate.
Through the years I've made very few changes to it because they are perfect.
Every time.
Perfect.

So here's a change I made a couple of months ago.
Instead of using my stone I purchased these pans from Sams.
They are larger than my stone which means I get more cookies on them.
Less baking time.
I line them with parchment paper.
Clean up is easy {yay}.
It's a win-win.

The dough.
My weakness.
My kryptonit.
I can pass up any store bought version of this dough but not the homemade.
This is not good since I've gone sugar free. :(

Another change...
chocolate chunks instead of chips.
Their chunks!!
Enough said.

Bliss on a cookie sheet.
These will not last long if left out, so to the freezer they go.

Okay, I'll keep out a few :) for the fam.

It's a great recipe.
I'm not sure if I like it because they are consistent in how they turn out {YUMMY!} or that it's my mom's recipe...

My mom, definitely my mom.

Momma Kathleen's Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookies

3/4 cup butter, softened (1-1/2 sticks)

3/4 cup of sugar

3/4 cup of brown sugar

2 large eggs

1-1/2 tsp. vanilla

2-1/4 cup flour

1 tsp. baking soda

3/4 tsp. salt

1 pkg. semisweet chocolate chunks (or chips)

*beat butter and sugars until creamy *add eggs and vanilla *whisk together flour, soda and salt and gradually add dry mixture to butter mixture, beating well * stir in chocolate chunks *bake at 350 degrees for 8 minutes for soft cookies {my preference} or 14 for crispy.

ENJOY!!

remembering

This weekend we went as a family and picked out two trees in memory of Art's dad, Paul.
We received this gift from my family and I can't think of a better way to honor someone than planting a living tree to help us remember them by.
The girls really got into it, looking at each tree carefully.
We wanted the best :).

For the front yard we chose a birch.
We've always liked birch trees and wanted one for a long time.
We purchased the flag to help honor Paul as well.
Seemed fitting.

We picked out an evergreen for the back yard.
It's near the kids play area/pool.
We want to purchase red, white and blue lights to put on this.
The girls of course thought that was a PERFECT idea since they can see it from the house.

I love this idea.
Love how it helps us keep his memory alive.

Thank you to my family.
Love you.

remembering paul

Art's dad passed away on July 18th.

Grace and I had just gotten home from camp, showered and were relaxing on the couch when Art came upstairs with the news.

His eyes gave him away.

He hadn't shown much emotion during his dad's decline in health.

But now he was gone and it hurt.

And so remembering and honoring Paul began.

There was a lot of planning and preparation but we honored him well.

Here is Art and Paul the weekend before his 93rd birthday.

93 years is pretty awesome in itself.

We helped pack up his belongings and Grace found one of Grandpa Paul's favorite hats.
She was given this hat by her Aunt and loves it, she wears it proudly.

This is the white board that was just hung in his room at the nursing home.
The girls all wrote love notes to him.
The nurses from the home wrote the date and Happy Birthday wish.
We couldn't bring ourselves to erase it.

The day of the memorial, the funeral  home placed 7 flags out in front, they do this for veterans. 
It was beautiful.

The memorial service was touching and what we all needed.
All three granddaughters used their talents to honor Grandpa.
Art spoke about special memories he had of his dad, so did Lisa (Art's sister).
It was great.
It was also emotional.
Paul was given a full military honors.
He served in WWII and the Korean conflict.
A total of 9 years.
Art was presented the flag.
It was a humbling moment for both of us.

He was laid to rest at Jefferson Barracks.
There are over 198,000 veterans buried there.
A beautiful tribute to veterans.

We were told to watch out for the deer.
They are super friendly and love the fresh flowers left at the grave sites.
When we got to Paul's site we found this guy chomping on the arrangements.

He will receive a marble headstone.
It will have his rank, years served
and
'Loving Father, grandfather and brother... Finally home'

This was the best part of the site, the view of the Missouri river which is fitting with Paul's love for fishing.
We took a walk around, the weather was perfect.

It went on and on.
Just amazing.

Art's dad moved to St. Louis in his youth.
His family ended up in Lemay.
Art was able to find an old address Paul's family was registered under with the census.
Since Lemay neighbors Jefferson Barracks we went by to see if we could find the old house.
And find it we did, at least that's what we believe.
It looks like it could have been built in the 1900's.
It's apartments now which it could have been back then too, it is a rather large building.

Paul was proud of the time he served.

He was proud of the skills he learned while in the Navy.

He told stories of friends lost in WWII with tears.

He was a quiet man.

A man of few words, few emotions.

His kids knew he loved them.

They knew he was proud of them.

He accepted me into the family.

He passed his love for tinkering onto Art.

We were given a gift card to purchase a tree in remembrance of him.

Neat idea isn't it.

We plan on picking one out this Fall and planting it in the yard.

Maybe a fruit tree, since he always had a hankering for sweets. :)

It's strange to think he is gone.

It has left a void.

He will be missed.

50th

My parents celebrated their 50th this month.

It was such an honor to celebrate with them in this way.

 

We invited friends, family, past students and it was great.

 

I saw so many familiar faces.

We reminisced.

We laughed.

 

Dad and Mom had a great time.

Mission accomplished.

 

Here are some pictures.

I've mostly included the grandkids.

Mom and Dad would want it that way :).

 

Two red roses represent mom and dad, four yellow represent their children

Caterer recreated their cake :)

Adam J.

Would not be a party for Rex L. without M&M's

Abby and Micah

My girls, Abby and Micah

The happy couple

Hannah

Welcome sign Janene and Dad created

That's Jess there, directing traffic
 

Ever seen a parking lot in the middle of a garden?

The reason we celebrate

unfair

Heard the message yesterday at church.

We're going over the book of Habakkuk.
'Where are you God?'

Habakkuk had some issues with God.
He thought God didn't seem to care.
He thought God wasn't doing what he was capable of.
He thought God's actions were unfair.

We were to list things that don't seem fair to us in our life right now, that we believe God could change.

Here's my list:

1. Loss of a job I loved - it was not my doing, I am a consequence of a bad choice that was made by others.  This makes me bitter at times.  It makes me question God, it just isn't fair.  Do I sound like a child?  YES.  In fact I sound like my girls who tell me at least once a day that "that's not fair!" 
2. My health.  In my moments of pain and frustration it's easy to say that none of this is fair. Why is this happening to me?  Why can't it just be over? Why can't you intervene and make me whole again?  I made choices, choices that were what I thought was best at the time.  I made choices in what food I put in my body too, for that I have to take responsibility. 
3. My mom. Her decline into dementia is my biggest "this is NOT FAIR!" challenge.  Why would God allow this to happen to his faithful servant?  How could this in any way bring glory to him?  I see how it hurts her, how it challenges my dad who cares for her.  I've seen how my siblings and I have tried to find the silver lining but at times it just plain stinks.  No other words for it, than it is just UNFAIR!

I've prayed for all three of these unfair issues.  I've screamed out to him in tears over some.  Why God? 

God responded to Habakkuk. 
"Look at the nations and observe - be utterly astounded!  For something is taking place in your days that you will not believe when you hear about it.  Habakkuk 1:5

I am much like Habakkuk. 
What are you trying to show me Lord?

I pray.
I wait upon the Lord.
I cry out in my moments of doubt.
I waiver but I always come back to what my parents  have taught me.

I must place my hope in him.
Let him guide every situation.
Believe he has a purpose for our good.
Follow and obey.
Love.

my dad has two green thumbs

Sharing a beauty from our backyard.

This is a clematis.

 

They only bloom in May/June.

 

They remind me of summers with my parents at my childhood home.

 

Dad had three of these, all different colors and boy did they bloom.

 

My dad has two green thumbs. 

 

Could be his 30 + years teaching science.

Could be he got his knack for plants from his mom.

Could be God given {this is my bet}.

 

Whatever it is, I hope it's rubbed off on me. Even the slightest bit :). 

I'll take it.

 

turning 92

Art's Dad turned 92 this July.  2013 has been a tough year on him with health issues which lead to many changes in his life.  Art and I never thought we would be in this place where our generation became the caregivers for our parents.  Art's sister has done a phenomenal job in being the primary caregiver for Paul. 

 

It wasn't 92 candles but he needed some help in getting them all blown out.

 

 

We were so blessed and happy to be able to celebrate with him on his special day.

emma

What's not to love.

 

This is Emma Grace my newest cousin.  She is beautiful in every way.  For my arrival to California she wore yellow, my favorite color. 

 

She loves her tongue. She's very expressive with her mouth.  She's advanced (I know because my mom taught me what to look for :)).

 

We talked.  We played.

 

We bonded.

 

 

And now I miss her desperately.

 

 

Keep those pictures coming Ellen :).  I need my Emma fix.